In My Feelings & I'm Not Aubrey

Found a new place to hang and get good drinks near my home

Triggered

I think that I have been functioning in my triggers for a bit of time. Trying to determine if it is me or the other person. But I don’t like this space and I feel that I have lingered here long enough. I am moving forward fully knowing that it is not just me. I can speak to my triggers because I know them very well. I am also able to let people know when their actions have triggered something in me that does not make me feel good. I have also recognized that people have their own shit and sometimes it’s not about me.

That is where I’m at right now.

Have a blessed and prosperous Juneteenth.

I have a thought

Men have never bought me things. They have never wanted to take care of me (in my mind). Is it because I have maintained a mentality of scarcity? Stayed in survival mode when I was actually thriving? When women are showing off all things men volunteered to purchase them, I always ask what did I do wrong?Why not me? What am I not exhibiting to get that type of response from a man who claims to care for me? Do I not need to be taken care of?

Now understand, I have plenty of people who take care of me, I’m specifically speaking about a romantic partner. I prayed to shake the spirit of Broke Men of me. But currently that has rendered me a woman of solitude. Maybe that is how it is supposed to be for now.

Epiphany

I have not written in a while, but lately I have been having these intrusive thoughts that I need to expel from my mind. So let’s get into it.

1. Body Dysmorphia is a bitch. I was fortunate enough to get VSG surgery almost four years ago. I have lost weight and gained weight and now I am 24 lbs from my goal weight. But looking at myself in the mirror and seeing a new me has been far more difficult. I do not know how to purchase clothes in the correct size nor do I see what others see. It has been a battle to envision myself as I always dreamed of being, a healthy version of me. No one really talked to me about the mind fuck of extreme weight loss. I am currently in process of accepting my new body, forcing myself to buy the right size garments and even purchasing a thong bikini for my birthday. I’m bringing you guys with me on this journey … whether you want to or not. 🫣

2. Honesty and genuineness are sexy to me. This boy in my DM says, I’m pretty … what else you got dude? I am tired and you being physically attracted to me is cute, but what else. Are you interested in anything else about me? Do you know my hobbies, things I do on my days off and evenings? I have two podcasts, have you ever listened? Because if you just want to hunch on me, say that. I don’t want bad actors pretending that they like me because they want cooch. That is very high school to me. Put on your big boy pants and be honest. That is attractive to me. More than likely I will turn you down, but then you can focus on someone else and use your time in a better way.

3. My greatest fear is loving the wrong person … again. I don’t have any cute words for this topic. It is pretty self explanatory. Now I’m holding everything inside and tipping around my own feelings. Yeah that is now a thing.

I probably will have SEVERAL MORE of these …